Thank you for calling our national customer service excellence center. Did you know you can get all your questions answered on our website at double-u, double-u, double-u dot reallyreallyannoyinglongurl dot com? We understand you found this phone number on our webpage and redirecting you back there is futile, but we really just want you to go away. Still here? Uggh. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed at some point since the introduction of the touch tone phone. If you know the extension for the voicemail of a person who will never call you back, you may dial it at any time.

Press 1 to be transferred to the wrong department.
Press 2 to have the line ring three times before you are disconnected.
Press 3 to be transferred to a minimum wage employee with a primary success metric of having the shortest possible call time with you.
Press 4 to speak with an excellent listener who has no idea how to solve your problem.
Press 5 to listen to our hold music for twenty-five minutes.
Press 6 to buy stuff. All sales are final!
Press 7 to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and be automatically signed up for our hourly email deals for the rest of your life.
Press 8 to hear how my computerized feminine voice is more familiar than Siri. I mean what’s she got that I don’t have—other than some annoying celebrity endorsement commercials?
Press 9 to hear this menu again on an infinite loop.
Press 0 to be transferred to a similar but slightly different phone tree.
Press ##1#6*#5#7**8~98%&*532>1@4653## to speak with someone who can actually help you.