There aren’t a whole ton of people I’ve met through Twitter who I’d consider a real life friend too. Joel Ingersoll (@flyoverjoel) is one of the rare exceptions.
Not only is his consistently funny, smart humor a highlight of every day, he is just plain good people. Period. He is a friend who…
I wasn’t going to reblog this because I didn’t want to seem…I don’t know, you know *That Guy* However, I wanted to be able to say thanks to Shari and all the wonderful people who already reblogged this and said something nice. As a wise member of Run DMC once said, “you are better than the best, best believe you’re the baddest.” So I’m just going to be all smiling and shit if that’s okay with you. I really appreciate all of you wonderful people. Cheers!
I love Twitter. I can’t say that enough. It’s such a great tool for so many different reasons. You can use it to develop your joke writing, interact with celebrities who otherwise wouldn’t give you a second glance, or just read what everyone else is doing. The problem is that after some time it…
I think it’s widely know around the Internets that I’m going to steal one of @sucittaM’s corgis. If not, now you know. So to make up for this transgression, I figured it was time for an edition of Ten Top Tweets dedicated to his pending pet loss. I have to say, with the never ending flood of tweets every day, it’s easy to forget how funny he really is. The man knows how to craft a funny observation. If you don’t actually follow him on Twitter, check out his Favstar Best of Page. Below are 10 of my favorite tweets from him. Plus a special 11th that is probably in my top ten all-time favorites.
1. That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don’t know if the song is “Ice Ice Baby” or “Under Pressure”.
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, 2. because I want fun people to find me.
3. I’m glad the pet stores close before the bar does. I could see drunken pet adoption being a real problem for me.
4. If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
5. My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.
6. Somehow sex, drugs, and rock & roll has slowly turned into masturbation, light beer, and The Pixies at a reasonable volume.
7. If you take the word “spatula” out of the dictionary it’s just a list of things that aren’t spatulas.
8. Blasting Christmas music at a stoplight. Looked at the guy next to me and said “Tis the season, motherfucker”. He’s gonna have a weird day.
9. Even if you don’t have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.
10. If you love something, set it free. If it mauls you as soon as it’s released, stop loving crazy shit.
And one of my favorite all-time tweets (makes sense for it to go to 11):
11. Walked through the metal detector at the airport while making the devil horns sign with my hands and headbanging. No one got it.
Also, just so you all know, flyoverjoel and I are starting a tumblr book club. It will be intense. We won’t be reading fucking Eat Pray Love. We will be reading serious life-changing books and we will be discussing those books as if our lives depended on it. Feel free to scroll past this post. But…
This my friends, is an official commitment. Details are to follow as Adam and I work them out on how to make it less “podcasty” and more interactive. But yes, we won’t be doing the latest and greatest book, because screw that. We’ll be doing books you should read, and not books people with no soul think you should read.
Honestly, today wasn’t the worst day of my life. Actually it was very far from it, but it’s not one I want to relive. Instead, I want to have a drink or two and bitch about it to other people on the Internet-like humans in their estimated 150 people social circles are want to do.
But you know what? I fucking can’t because passive-aggressive jackholes and drama queens have ruined it for all of us! Before the internet, some asshole would have a bad day at work or whatever, drink a fifth of whiskey, throw dinner against the wall and then beat his kids and that is no way to run a society. So instead now, we can turn to the computer, drink a fifth (actually one-third of a fifth whatever the fuck that is) in a civilized manner and bitch to our online friends about our problems.
EXCEPT WE FUCKING CAN’T.
That’s right, while we were out working hard and having a horrible day some idiot who spends the entire day on Facebook playing Farmville and making thinly veiled bitchy status updates has absorbed all of humanity’s caring and it’s too late for us poor fools who know tomorrow will be better, but need to vent tonight. The love, care, concern and “it’ll be okays” are all eaten up by a sub-human emotional monster that will bitch about not having any true friends when even their most tangential friends have been eaten alive by this need machine.
And these people suck.
Are you one of these people? Does everyone sigh when you talk? Do people wait days to return your phone call because they have to ensure they have hours to listen to how the world has screwed you over even though you have a roof over your head, plenty of food, WiFi, a smartphone, a laptop, health insurance, potable drinking water, an iPad, get laid on a regular basis, but Jenny in AR made your life a living nightmare today because you couldn’t be bothered to do your fucking job and she wouldn’t sign off on it? If so, then you are the asshole and need to reevaluate your life before you suck the soul out of everyone you know…even if you really care.
Awwww. Fuck it. I’m going to watch some X-Files on Netflix – at least the villains on that show know they are evil.
So this post is long overdue. My very funny and kind friend @anythingatonce is just nearing the 1000 follower mark and it’s time to push him over that arbitrary. but fulfilling, mark. Please take a look at the tweets below, read, laugh and realize THESE TWEETS GO TO 11. Then if you really need more proof, you can check out his top tweets on Favstar or, even better, just click the follow button on Twitter. Do it, you’ll thank me for it later.
Normally our first outdoor soccer game of the season is 40 degrees, sleeting and generally miserable. Today it was an amazing 75, sunny and with a nice breeze to help mitigate the sudden transformation from below freezing temperatures.
Even though we lost a game we should have won, I think I might even be in too good of a mood to write any tweets.