Why are you people still awake? It’s 12:30 central and y’all should be in bed getting a good night’s rest so you are prepared to grab Sunday by the balls. Who am I kidding? While not as breathtakingly boring as when I was a child a few decades ago, Sunday is the one day a week that is the exact opposite of grabbing life and living it to its fullest—unless you like impersonating a dead person and sleeping it away.
So they let me be all “non-work” in my latest piece for work. I actually think this one is kind of fun.
We were somewhere northbound on Minnesota Highway 61, of Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited, when I posted a photo to Twitter of me at an ice bar enjoying a frosty beverage and shivering. Shortly after that picture, I went silent for nearly forty-eight hours. As we continued our drive north to the Bearskin Lodge, our cellular reception slowly faded. When we got so close to Thunder Bay, Ontario that my Blackberry actually went on international roaming, I did the unthinkable and shut it off for the weekend. My wife and I had joined eleven of our friends for a ski weekend in Northern Minnesota, and while the idea of propelling myself forward on fiberglass sticks at death-defying speeds wasn’t compelling for me, the opportunity to jab my wife with the pointy end of a pole was appealing enough to make me unplug from the electronic world for a weekend.
The funny thing about lodges and campgrounds and other places people go to get away from other people is how friendly they all seem to be. In every National Park or Forest, everyone is as neighborly as someone from a 1950’s sitcom. The reality is just a touch different though. The reality is that behind that glowing smile, hearty “hello” and generally happy façade is the subtext that they are only being nice to you because they hope you choose to eat them last. We’ve been trained from birth to take “Stranger Danger!” seriously except in the wilderness where it’s more like “Stranger Negotiation!” because we don’t know what Facebook photo they’ll use to describe our gruesome death on television.
"He seemed so friendly in the woods, but when grilled over an open flame he was bitter and tough. Probably needed ketchup or maybe a nice marinade."
:/ I played lacrosse while it rained but that was fun and then there was lightning and lacrosse uses aluminum sticks and then it stopped being fun.
I play soccer in the rain and have a blast. However, it’s not going to be awesome when my clothes weight 8000 lbs and I’m sliding around on the ice and my special running around on ice shoes don’t work because of all the water.
Also - don’t play lacrosse while it’s lightening unless you want to be known as Ben Franklin.
Sometimes I imagine that my communications are being tracked by the Government (note the capital G). I wonder what they make of my recent text to @FlyoverJoel that said nothing more than FUCKING CLOWN FLOATIES. I’m now probably on some Patriot Act watch list.
But c’mon - FUCKING CLOWN FLOATIES!
50 degrees today and we are going to play broomball tonight, outdoors, ON ICE! …Okay, water.
I played in the Sanchez Cup today which is a charity soccer tournament. From 10 AM to 2:45 PM, we had FIVE soccer games of 30 minutes each. To put that in perspective, one normal 11’s game is 90 minutes and you don’t run the entire time. This was short field 7’s, which for the field players means non-stop sprinting the entire time. As a goalie, I spent the afternoon doing my best impression of a pinball flipper as I faced a multitude of shots.
There isn’t enough beer in the world to ease my pain and soreness right now and getting out of bed will be a chore in the morning.
We didn’t come in last place which is nice, but do I need to sit back and do some serious whining.
Are you Midwestern enough for a “Walking Taco?” I can’t remember where I was, MN I think… They cut open a bag of Doritos and dumped in meat and lettuce…
I’ve heard about tacos in a bag for the first time just recently and actually had one at the State Fair but from my expereince it’s more of a taco in like a hotdog sleeve with tortilla chips, and taco stuff inside. It was REALLY disappointing (Minnesota foods tend to not have a lot of spice and that’s my favorite part of Mexican or Tex-Mex) I know elsewhere, Taco Bell has been experimenting with Doritos shells. Truthful admission, it’s been at least a decade since I’ve had Taco Bell but getting a couple of Cool Ranch Doritos hard tacos might get me to convince my sober wife to drive me there late one night after I’ve been on Tumblr and had a few beers.
So I’ve never heard of a “walking taco” where you’d actually open a Doritos bag and put a dollop of taco stuff inside, but rest assured if I ever come across it, I’ll get one and report back.
Editor’s Note: A “walking taco” sounds like some freaky shit some Wisconsinite would invent while drunk during a January Sunday when the Packers aren’t in the playoffs.
I may have to try and make this. I’m thinking Pepper Jack Cheese, because this is California.
THAT’S THE PAUL MOLITOR! So Casper and Runyan own the Nook, which is a Saint Paul landmark, and it’s right across from a private High School that punches out some amazing athletes (who get a burger named after them - well okay, on a few). The Nook website it being reconstructed, but their other bar Shamrocks has the same menu. http://www.shamrocks.rfsportal.com/index.cfm?optionid=14773 and you’ll see the Paul Molitor right on there.
The other place we go regularly, is called the Blue Door and they win all kinds of awards. I get the Breakfast Blucy there (we don’t go often) but it’s a Juicy Lucy with egg and bacon on top. My wife get’s a non-lucy but this burger, called The Jiffy, sounds disgusting but wins awards every year.
"Jiffy Burger - 7.75 You’ve got to try it to be a believer. We cover our burger with peanut butter, a little mayo, pepper jack cheese, bacon, and a few pickles – just like Mom used to make! Awarded Best Burger in the Twin Cities by City Pages!”
This is actually last night’s post-curling (we won 9-3!) food porn from the bar. You’ll notice bacon sticking out from under the bun, but no cheese. It’s because THE CHEESE IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HAMBURGER!!! It’s okay, it’s safe, but you have to eat your fries, rings or tots before the burger or your mouth gets burned to shit by exploding molten American cheese. I had never heard of these before I moved to Minnesota, but they are a local delicacy where you are geographically defined by which you think is the original (Matt’s or The 5-8) and who has the best (The Blue Door, The Nook or the two above). Basically, what it is (since I’ve totally buried the lead) is they take a ball of cheese and form the hamburger patty around the cheese so it’s like the Twinkie if carnivores. It’s a pretty cool thing is you like meals that require you to eat with one hand and have a napkin clutched in the other ready to grab hot viscous cheese (hey! Hot Viscous Cheese would be a great band name!). If you are an anthropologist studying Midwestern white people, this food phenomenon could be a delicious chapter in your dissertation.