It’s a photo of Fiona and I at the beer tasting yesterday. We might have had our buzz on just a little bit.
This is Fiona with our good friend Chris. We like him even if he is a Red Sox fan. I’m posting this photo because Fi and Chris logged more hours during the Minnesota shutdown than anyone else and this photo illustrates that they both deserved an afternoon of good beer and good drinking, and got to have it.
How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
Well the answer can only come from serious scientific inquiry. So to do that we need to design an experiment to find out how much wood a woodchuck can chuck. As with any experiment, we need a control group. To get that group, I suggest putting 18 woodchucks in one burlap bag for 7-10 business days. If any come out alive, take them to a biker bar and buy them shots. But don’t get too close, those surviving woodchucks are going to be really pissed.
Now that we have a control group (hopefully) we need to set up the experiment. I suggest taking at least five woodchucks that have an identically measured hypotenuse looking at a triangle measured from the front incisors, to the epiglottis to a Subway restaurant just outside Toledo, Ohio.
With the trial group, we need to find an excellent source of wood. I am sure there are plenty of suburban McMansions to choose from, and since they are all identically soulless, just pick any one outside a major city—but make sure the owners aren’t home, otherwise we’ll probably had a bittersweet laugh at the pub over a beer about our pending grand jury.
It’s also important to make sure the home has unsecured WiFi. Do not forget this.
Now, let the woodchucks loose on the house. Be sure to have adequate scales to handle the volume of chucked wood the woodchucks are chucking!
Finally, while the rest of the scientific team is tallying the amount of wood chucked, turn on your laptop, connect to the unsecured WiFi and Ask Jeeves.
Now all that’s left to do is doctor the results successfully enough that a peer reviewed journal doesn’t realize you are completely full of shit.
Since it’s a really slow morning on Twitter, I thought it would be a good time to revisit the tweets of one of my favorite people to read. I think what impresses me most about @donni is not how funny his tweets are, but how prolific and funny he is. Rarely does @donni write a tweet that doesn’t at minimum elicit a chuckle from me—and considering how often he posts, that’s really impressive. Go grab a refill of coffee, sit back, and give @donni’s Favstar page a read.
Here are 10 of my favorites and we’ll turn it up to 11 with a tweet that’s easily in my all-time favorites list.
1. “My research shows that vegetables triple in vitamin content when used as pizza toppings,” said the awesome scientist in my imagination.
2. Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
3. The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
4. I don’t use my power for good or evil. Mainly, I use it to watch TV, microwave food, and charge my phone.
5. When clowns have birthday parties, they hire screaming toddlers to perform.
6. Want to get a drink sometime? If not, you will eventually die of dehydration.
7. Bipolar penguins have the worst commute.
8. Good news, guys. The urine-soaked prophet of doom who followed me onto this bus has conquered his fear of public speaking.
9. Don’t forget about bald guys living vicariously through their beards.
10. Typical Saturday morning: Rode the llama to Office Max, huffed liquified shoelaces, warned the mayor about land dolphins, and fought a tree.
And one of my all time favorite tweets, and one loved by FlyoverFi:
11. “I’m not only the President of Bear Club For Men…” (rips off mask) "…I’m ALSO A BEAR! ARRGH!" (eats studio audience)
I love tacos and Flowers for Algernon was the first piece of literature I remember falling head over heels in love with as a child. I was very young when I read it and it still affects the way I think about things.
I’ve said it privately, and now publicly. This is my favorite username.
That would be @PuddingBoobs putting the moves on @Love_Shunt who is putting the moves on @hunnisbones while his ladyfriend @Hollyannalynn looks away. On the right, @AnaBeaverH is doing something completely different.
That’s @Puddingboobs copping a feel on @AnaBeaverH. Not sure if @charliepantzz is trying to clean @UNTRESOR’s face, Josh (@Heckadecimal) looks annoyed while @falsettoclergy gives us his serious face and @Airreck looks disturbed.
Thanks for this post. I am always bothered on voting for judges because I never know anything (or enough) about them.
It’s a real challenge to learn anything substantive about the judges because unless they work some major case, moat fly under the radar.
The interesting ones are the local positions on the ballot. Ramsey County’s website has a page where candidates can post their political beliefs on a page so you can review them all AND some of those people are super crazy.
Outside of having a tape of the candidate clubbing a baby seal or killing someone. Its pretty hard for the state house to vote no on a judge in the Commonwealth of Virginia.
It’s the same thing here, and many judges do get reelected by popular vote after their appointment term is completed. However, my concern is that people genuinely believe a state district court judge is appointed for life..and that’s completely incorrect and especially shocking when you realize some of these folks vote.
I’ve been reading the comments section of many newspapers lately as I am apparently not getting pissed off enough in my daily life. The truth is when you lay down at night next to a hardworking member of the judicial branch, you get a little obsessed about all the hours she’s spending working on the government shutdown. Of course I get a little offended by the uninformed comments, but I keep reading something that’s gnawing at me—so forgive me for a brief civics lesson.
I’ve read many comments and, I’ll paraphrase, many people spout off with the following statement. “I can’t believe that decisions about state funding are being made by a judge that is appointed for life and not elected by the people.” You can tell I’m paraphrasing because I’ve removed the typos, misspellings and grammar errors.
In Minnesota, that is patently false. Nearly every single judge is on the ballot at some point in their career.
Here’s how the process typically works. 1. A sitting judge leaves their position. 2. A judge is appointed by the governor to replace them. 3. At the end of the term (6 years maximum) that judge goes on the ballot for reelection. 4. The electorate then gets to vote on if that judge stays in office or if someone else is elected to replace them. 5. Sometimes they even have elections for open seats. (Fun fact – that’s how Alan Page - former Purple People Eater of the Minnesota Vikings - became a justice on the Minnesota Supreme Court.) 6. This is true from the bottom all the way to the Minnesota Supreme Court.
So if you live in Minnesota, next time you vote, look at the damn ballot and if you don’t vote, shut your fucking pie hole about the whole thing. If you live outside of Minnesota, well you maybe learned something today.
The “special master” bureaucrat is infecting this country. They already took over a city in Michigan that tried to file bankruptcy and void the union contracts. Is the union involved?
The Special Master designation is only because the courts have to select someone to hear the arguments of various groups because the standard courts already have a full docket. It’s nothing more than a title given to a retired judge—In this case a former Chief Justice of the Minnesota Supreme court. There isn’t another way to do it without eliminating someone’s right to a speedy trial as protected by the constitution.
I’ve had it with stupid people spouting off about things they don’t want to actually take the time to understand. As I’ve alluded to, my wife was “volunteered” to be the law clerk for the Special Master who is listening to governmental departments and federally and state funded non-profits argue that they should get their cash during the state government shutdown. It isn’t always an argument of core services but sometimes either there’s an overriding federal or state law that requires funding regardless of a government shutdown. It’s really complex and if my wife wasn’t going to already have back problems from her boobs, she’ll get one from lugging around the binders of federal and state funding laws. I don’t begin to pretend to understand, but I also realize that experts have been assigned to figure this shit out.
This isn’t the first time for her either; the judge she clerks for was part of the three panel team that worked tirelessly for months on the Coleman/Franken election contest. I know how angry I got during that period when people would just spout off about how the judiciary was trying to rig it for Franken or bitching about how long the process was taking. If I know anything about that group of people, I know how diligent they were and how much effort they put into applying the law correctly.
Which brings me to today…..
I should know better by now than to read the comments of newspaper articles posted online, but I can’t help myself. Today there was an article about the Minnesota Zoo and one of the horse racing locations called Canterbury Park. Canterbury Park will be closed during the shutdown, even though it’s a private business. The reason is that horse racing requires daily regulation from a licensed board and it’s not considered critical during the shutdown to fund the regulators. It sucks for them, but that’s the appropriate application of the law. I know a lot of people are angry about it, but the fact of law is that horse racing, no matter how profitable, isn’t a critical function.
The Minnesota Zoo, on the other hand is an interesting case. The Zoo generates over 75% of its operating expenses on its own and doesn’t appear to get any funding from general appropriations. Actually, people looking at the budget couldn’t find a line item in general appropriation referencing the zoo (other than keeping the animals alive-and you’d have to be one Michael Vick asshole not to think that was a core service). In other words, they write their own checks and shouldn’t be shut down because they way their money is generated has NOTHING to do with the shutdown. The Zoo is practically a self-sufficient entity and yet the comments below illustrate the same idiots that don’t understand the USPS doesn’t get government funding:
I don’t understand what gubbamint is? Is this some racial phonics thing or a talking point I’ve missed on AM radio? “This is totally STUPID and totally Wrong! The race tracks are basically PRIVATE Businesses. The Zoo is a gubbamint playground. The Zoo needs a whole lot of Gubbamint assistance, the Horse tracks need very little. What is wrong with the State? This is.”
So they paid “there” fees? Also, a what does the Como Zoo have to do with the state zoo? “people, this is about the zoo and canterbury, keep the whole goverment shutdown out of the discussion, my point is, the judge doesnt get it, Canterbury has already paid there fees up to July 31st, the zoo ??? c’mon judge, why is the zoo exempt from the shutdown??? the como zoo is still open correct??? peolpe can still get to a zoo.”
What the fuck does this even mean??? Special Master is a reference to the fact that CHIEF JUSTICE Blatz isn’t a sitting member of the district court? Show some respect. They also aren’t arbitrary decisions—she’s trying to apply the law. “It is offensive to me that we now have a “special master” making arbitrary decisions over our lives. We must break this yoke of oppression. We are the masters of government, not the reverse. This is dangerously close to crossing a line that many will not accept.”
The winner of not reading the fucking article goes to “Why is tax support for a zoo considered a legitimate function of government?”
Sorry for the rant, I just want to live out the final scene of Jay and Silent Bob where they travel to all the random houses and beat up people for saying stupid shit on the internet.