So, as everyone who follows me knows, I can’t tell a dirty joke to save my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them. SlappNuttz is one of the people who has mastered the art. He’s also done an excellent job of bringing fresh material to the married with kids jokes. I really enjoy his tweets and you should as well. Very few people on Twitter actually evoke an audible laugh from me, but Slappnuttz is one of those people. Check out his Favstar page and see what I mean.
Here are 10 of my favorites:
1. Lunch with my 8 year old son - $45
Hockey game - $65
Hearing my son say “sit your ass down” to the guy standing in front of us – Priceless
2. I need to go spend time with my kids.
and by spend time I really mean, find them before my wife gets home.
This can’t be happening, again.
3. Ever watch a movie & halfway through you realize it sucks but you stay with it since you’ve already put time into it?
Welcome to marriage.
4. Me-I quit Twitter.
Me-To spend more time with you and the kids.
Wife-And tell US your stupid jokes. Oh no, go back to Twitter.
5. I bet Osama Bin Laden accidentally hit the “Add your location” button during his last tweet.
Been there, done that.
6. Me - I’m going to take you home, spread you open, then lick you and bite you all over.
Cashier - Sir, are you going to pay for those Oreos?
7. I used to think that Twitter was for people with no lives, but now I know it’s for people who have lives but are pretending that they don’t.
8. BREAKING NEWS! A&E TV has just announced that their hit show Intervention will now be called Winning.
9. My wife bought organic Pop-Tarts, OR-GAN-IC POP-TARTS! So I replaced her vibrator with a celery stick.
10. My wife’s birthday is tomorrow and all she wants is to see Super 8. She is so sweet, it’s really only like Super 6 1/2, but who’s measuring.
I’ve been following @senorwinces for quite a while and he’s really someone I appreciate for crafting a great joke. Not only has he been able to work within the confines of 140 characters, but he’s also been able to stretch the boundaries of Twitter by turning the geolocation functionality of Twitter into part of the joke. So, if you are only reading the tweets, you are only getting half of the joke. Please read my favorite ten below and check out his Favstar page, but ALSO make the effort to look at his posts on Twitter to get the rest of his joke.
1. “Heard a Beethoven piece & a Ke$ha song yesterday. Which one is deaf again?”
2. “ Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I’m sporting a mohawk.”
3. “Getting a retweet from someone with 0 followers is like being a beneficiary in a homeless person’s will.”
4. “Hell is going to have a great news team once everyone at Fox News dies.”
5. “I’ll show you my impression of a newborn foal trying to walk if you give me twelve beers.”
6. “If someone replaced Glenn Beck’s head with a big sweaty ham I probably wouldn’t notice for a few minutes.”
7. “My “we had to walk ten miles to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.”
8. “Circus clowns don’t get enough credit from environmentalists for all the car pooling they do.”
9. “Flying to LA to shoot a pilot. I’ll wait until the plane lands, that’s just common sense.”
10. “Finally caved in and started taking a drug for my hair loss. Heroin might seem like a odd choice but it worked, I no longer care.”
I would threaten to switch banks. It costs them quite a bit of money to get new customers.
Oh, yeah I totally understand. To be honest, I am slowly becoming an inactive account. It’s more the auto-generated letter that pissed me off. Because I live up here and use a local bank, I don’t use my Cleveland (Key Bank) account much any more. It’s more reasonable for me to bitch about the injustice and buy something cheap then to spend an hour arguing with an impotent customer service rep—just to get to the manager.
I love that song! I know I’m older that you, but I used to listen to it on the back of the bus in middle school (Yikes!). I own that song on vinyl, tape, CD and digital. That whole album is so amazing.
So here’s the deal…. My Cleveland bank, which I’ve had an account at since I was fourteen (nearly 23 years!), has decided that I’m a bad customer because I haven’t had a transaction in LESS THAT TWO GODDAMN MONTHS. So yeah, I’m a little annoyed because they want to charge me a $5 monthly fee for having an inactive account. Not that I haven’t been their customer for over two fucking decades or anything. Apparently though, all I have to do is have a transaction. So…here’s my question Tumblr. If you were going to spend between $.99 and $1.99 to buy one song, what would it be?
With only one month to TCFU2, I thought I’d do a special edition of Ten Top Tweets. I’m super lucky, when I started out on Twitter I didn’t expect to get to make friends with strangers and I did. But I sure as hell didn’t think some of them would come to a cookout at my house on my wife’s birthday—it happened. Anyway we had an amazing time at the first TCFU in January (with the Minnesota weather it’s the Iditarod of Tweetups) and we are looking at another amazing time coming up on July 9. Please come join us and RSVP at this link.
Not only have we had some great laughs with the Twitter folks of the Twin Cities and (Gasp) Wisconsin, but I’ve actually made some friends and I look forward to making some more. Anyhow, here’s a list of tweets from the people that are coming to TCFU2. I hope you’ll find as much enjoyment from them as I have and I’ve provided a link to all of their Best of Favstar pages… There’s more than 10, but I think you’ll be entertained.
chachione - “People who live in glass houses are a special pane in the ass.”
amanjo - “If I die drinking Four Loko, rest assured that I died doing something that I love.”
charliepantzz - “Oh nothing, just editing this agreement. And by editing, I mean writing “ool J” after every mention of an LLC.”
wwwesty - “Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.”
UNTRESOR - “the people who tell you that you are crazy for reinforcing your walls with steel are the same people who don’t believe in the kool-aid man.”
GetUrOwnCoffee - “What I just learned while sorting through receipts in my purse ~ I go to the liquor store. A lot.”
heckadecimal - ” I can tell this next band is gonna be good because the chick playing keyboard just took off her second hoodie.”
jwynia - “My clothing’s appearance comes from my failed attempts to get food into my mouth. Its size comes from my successful attempts.”
love_shunt - “Wife has been adding a little baby oil to her baths, which is cool because I have always wanted to quickly be laying down in the shower.”
ssHatMaddie - “When I baby talk to my cat, my Minnesotan accent really comes out. ‘Holy buckets you’re adorable when I put your tail in your anus!’”
FlyoverFi - “If they pass the English-only bill in Minnesota, will they have to change the state’s motto from ‘Etoile du Nord’?”
crocpunch - “Me and my daughter are gonna play Tea Party. I’m gonna take all her cups then tell her to get off welfare and go get a job.”
BrentWeav - “You’d think as president & co-founder of the 2nd most popular Lee Majors fan club in southern Minnesota more doors would’ve opened up for me”
coryschmidt - “Just to clarify, my rapture party is BYOB. Also, the fire and sword swallower cancelled because he double booked.”
PuddingBoobs - “Made it back from Chicago alive… The boyfriend however, is in the river.”
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Since I am more interested in pimping out others, a one time occurrence here. Many people have asked me what my favorite tweet of my own is, it’s this one.
I blame @TheBosha for my following of @SteveHuff. Before I tell you how awesome Steve is, I’ll give a piece of advice. If you want to know who is writing excellent stuff on Twitter check out @TheBosha’s most favs page on Favstar.
So….I was trolling for people to enhance my timeline outside the normal “thumb in the butt jokes” and I came across Steve Huff. The guy is a really unique and entertaining writer. Yes, he’s a @Lifecoachers and on Witstream so he gets a lot of exposure, but I can’t believe it took so long for me to come across his tweets. I suggest you take a few minutes to check out his most popular tweets and I think you’ll agree that he’s a really original mind and a great addition to any timeline.
In the meantime, here are my favorites:
1. Twitter always says your tweet has been retweeted by so & so and “others.” But often there are no “others.” THERE ARE NO “OTHERS,” TWITTER.
2. “It’s weird how each sip of vodka makes my kids slightly more tolerable. That’s why I tell them to slow down & savor it..”
3. “I’ve found the solution to the Red Bull crash. NEVER STOP DRINKING RED BULL NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BLEED FROM EVERYWHERE.”
4. “How Twitter works: you think it’s a random, dumb throway joke=50 stars, 400 RTs. Craft a joke that makes you laugh till you cry=one star.”
5. “Every now & then my cat gives us looks like “I can still smother you in your sleep” & we’re all like, “shut up, you’re scared of water.”
6. “I pretty much live my life as an ongoing rebellion against the people who say neither caffeine or alcohol are hydrating.”
7. “We should always underestimate the importance of our tweeting.”
8. “Coming to your comedy show if there’s wi-fi so I can read along on your Favstar Popular page.”
9. “An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A hipster knew about the glass before you did and doesn’t think it’s cool anymore.”
10. “Dear cat: Even if we let you outside, you are too fucking fat to get that bird, loser. Love, your owner.”
So, I’m maybe possibly seriously considering going to this if I can find a reasonably priced flight from Flyover country. Of course, that means in four weeks I’d be in Cleveland, home, New York, Cleveland—which totally fucks with my soccer schedule.
I haven’t been to the city in at least five years, so maybe this is the right time.